Abusers, in general, desire a relationship based on control. These people, for we must remember that these are people, have a past typically characterized by painful emotional experiences. These emotions are then denied validity. "Why are you crying?" "There's nothing to be upset about." "I don't want to hear your whining." "One howl out of you and I'll really give you something to cry about." Abusers hear these things, and, because no one teaches them that there is something different to be expected, learn that this is perfectly normal. The abuser becomes used to feeling one way and creating an alternative image of himself or herself who feels as he or she should. That one person in a relationship should have control while the other obeys is the normal way of things for the abuser.

The alternative, a relationship of mutual understanding and cooperation in creating a life, would never occur to that abusive person. The partner, and indeed many rational people, believes that this is a desirable possibility. Many times the abused partner works from this assumption. Love means mutual respect and understanding. If someone says "I love you," this must be the intent behind the words. When a person asks an abused partner "Why didn't you get out?", the legitimate answer is "I didn't know I had to get out. I thought (s)he loved me." Neither partner understood that "I love you" meant something completely different to each partner.

The insidious aspect of this type of abuse lies in its lack of recognizable evidence. That words leave no bruises is obvious. More than that, however, the abused partner does not recognize that the abuse has taken place. Verbal abuse is irrational because the statements made by the abuser are either lies or contradictions. The partner will try, as anyone faced with irrationality will try, to make sense of the statements because an adult should be speaking rationally. The rationalization almost invariably includes some self-blame on the part of the abused partner. The abusing partner happily grabs onto the notion that the abuse was the fault of the other partner. This contradictory "What didn't happen is your fault anyway" generates a feeling of confusion and unbalance in the partner and creates a difficult situation.

The abused partner is in the difficult state that he or she cannot rely on his or her perceptions of reality. As an example, when the abuser snipes at the other partner, "You always take some stupid saying and try to make it sound impressive," the partner feels confused because it is not "always" and the intent was not "to make it sound impressive." The partner is hurt, and when he or she says so, the abuser replies "Well, sorry, but god, if you want people to like you, that's not the way you do it." The scene might continue with the partner trying to explain his or her real intent. "I was just trying to be involved in the conversation. If it wasn't that funny, I know..." The abuser might try to cut off the explanation with "Whatever. You're overreacting. You can never take positive criticism."

The abused partner then exists in a state of deep self-doubt. He or she has learned that a) his or her conversation is boring, b) people do not like him/her, and c) the he/she cannot tell the difference between positive suggestions for change and hurtful abuse. This last is the common feeling of verbally abused partners. He or she cannot understand or trust his or her feelings.

Thus, the abuser projects his or her self-image onto the partner. People often do not feel the correct things, thinks the abuser, and so I must teach my partner (who is neither as intelligent nor as able as I am) how to feel about certain things. More than that, the abuser often sees his or her partner as a part of himself or herself. This part must perform as commanded. The alternative, which would have both partners as equal members to be respected, would make no sense to an abuser. Any attempts on the part of the abused partner to exist in a relationship based on the mutual respect paradigm are interpreted on the part of the abuser as a challenge to authority. Such actions might result in accusations of "trying to ruin the relationship" or "hostility."

The hostile member, however, is the abuser. Differences in opinion, displays of talent or intelligence, emotional openness, demands for resources and even assertions of fact arouse feelings of anger in the verbal abuser. The reaction is a hostile statement. Sometimes the hostility is open, such as "You don't know anything about that, shut up," and sometimes the hostility is covert, such as "Yes, that's interesting, but people who know about such things say..." A verbally abusive partner is happy when the other partner suffers. The abuser will wear a happy expression when revealing hurtful comments about the abused partner, such as "He used your name as a synonym for `stupid'." Bad news about the abused partner will make a happy moment for the abuser.

The most important things for the abused partner to realize are that:

a) the abuse really happened.

b) the abuse was not deserved, and the abused partner is not to blame.

c) explaining intent to the abuser will not create understanding.

The only thing an abused partner should do is disengage. Saying "Stop that" or "that is abusive" or "I won't listen to talk like that" and then actually leaving the situation provide the information that the abuser really needs, as a person. The abuser finds that his or her actions deprive him or her of the desired thing: control. Once the abuser has the message that he or she is not going to get control and has done something hurtful, that person has a choice. The abuser can either choose to get help to work through control issues, or can choose to continue abuse with someone else.

ARE YOU IN A VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

If you agree with two or more of the listed statements, you are either in a verbally abusive relationship or with a partner that has abusive habits. The difference is one of goodwill. A partner who has goodwill but who does abusive things needs some help. One who does abusive things with hostility needs a lot of help. The abused person definitely needs help to recover and find peace and certainty.

1. Your partner seems angry with you several times a week although you hadn't intended to upset anyone.

2. When you feel hurt, and say so, the issue never gets resolved.

3. You frequently feel that you can't get your partner to understand your feelings.

4. You are upset about communication issues.

5. You wonder what is wrong with you and why you feel so bad.

6. Your partner rarely shares thoughts or plans.

7. Your partner takes the opposing view from yours, and seems to declare that his or her views are right and yours wrong.

8. You sometimes wonder if your partner sees you as a separate person.

9. You can't recall saying to your partner "Cut it out" or "Stop it" when you hear something hurtful.

10. He is either angry with you or has "no idea what you are talking about" when you try to discuss an issue.

(Paraphrased from The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Evans, 1996, p.24)

* Note: Abuse is sometimes mutual (some relationships exhibit conflicts that make it impossible to differentiate between victim and abuser) Be sure and think carefully.

Do You Know The Danger Of Choosing An Abusive Partner?

Abuse is widespread in every level of today's society but many people don't know how to protect themselves against it or think about it existing. Age or economic status is no protection as children, dating partners, life partners, spouses live it. It's difficult for people who haven't been through it to understand what it is and does to a person. That's because their experience gives them nothing similar to relate to. It's also difficult for the abused to find people who understand and can support them. After living through domestic violence/abuse, now to be called DV, I'm impressed that God wants us to have tools to assist in making good choices that will affect our health and happiness.

I grew up in a loving Christian home not knowing the red flags of DV. During many months of courtship I never saw signs of the disconnection, disrespect, impatience, anger that started after the wedding ceremony and lasted for years. Those he'd been around before meeting me all knew but didn't tell me until after I left. What follows is a crash course in DV to help you avoid it or safely assist another who's living it. While I wouldn't have chosen this path it's allowed me to save someone's life when I saw myself in them. It's showed that inner strength is greater than we think when we rely on God. It's made me more grateful & understanding:-) When I lost everything God supplied my needs before I knew about them as strangers reached out to me and I to them. Now life is different as many friends I thought would always be there are not but new lifetime ones have been sent:-) A precious few have stood by my side through it all & I thank them. Since DV has many parts and levels of severity each situation needs to be dealt with differently. I'm not recommending any given action for people in this but encourage seeking professional help and God's will for your life. I write this as a survivor who's lived, prayed, studied, worked with advocates and with feedback from a DV program.

Questions to ask yourself. Have you ever been in a dating or marriage situation where something seemed wrong but you couldn't figure it out? Where every time you do figure it out it immediately changes? Where you're blamed for everything & never know what to expect? Is your partner jealous when there's no reason to be? Do simple conversations about things turn into whose fault it is and who has the power? Are you intimidated and your wishes, thoughts, feelings discounted? Do you fear for yourself or your children? Does your spirit feel dead & you ask God to help you feel love for people? Do you walk around trying to do anything you can think of to keep more of it from happening? Is it getting worse? Did you think things were fine but one day woke up to find yourself in the middle & not knowing how you got there and what to do? Is your sense of self disappearing to someone else? Are you enabling this to continue? Is your spouse doing this to your children? Or are your children learning how to do it to other people? This is important because a son of an abuser will likely grow up to abuse and the daughter grow up to be abused. The cycle continues if unbroken.

Red flags warn us when someone has this behavior. They'll be discussed more but if you notice someone impatient with people and pets, unwilling to work as a team, isolating you from family and friends, pushing for early commitment, inappropriately angry, unwilling to listen and fix, demeaning you with words and actions, controlling or threatening you, please make sure you're safe and take appropriate action. It's so much easier to avoid than live through the consequences.

Value yourself enough to learn about and not accept abuse. Learn to say no! It's an honor not a right for someone to have your company. Instead of asking if you're worthy of someone else, ask if someone else is worthy of you:-) Abuse usually happens little by little until you find yourself in the middle of it. People who have been through rape, serious injury, illness or anything that erodes sense of self worth are easier prey. An abuser also takes advantage of Christian traits like submissiveness, meekness and eternal marriage vows. I'm not saying don't follow those but make sure you're choosing a non abusive person to share them with. Sometimes people think because something isn't physical it's not abusive. They're wrong. A person's spirit and self worth can be damaged as easily as their body. In fact many times it's the emotional that damages the most. Abuse can be limited to verbal, can escalate to physical or be a combination of both. It's easier for physical to keep happening once that line has been crossed. The abuser will usually tell you they're sorry, that it won't happen again but it does. Value yourself enough not to accept abusive treatment. Let the other person know they'll be held accountable but make sure you're safe first.

Severity can increase over time. If this is your experience, you need to seek professional help for it may save your life. It's difficult to see the cycle of abuse when living it or not having knowledge of it. You think if you work hard enough you can fix whatever. You can't. But as soon as you understand it you'll be able to get help or prevent yourself from marrying an abuser. This is not a relationship problem. It's about an abuser who controls another person by various means and leaves the abused a victim. There is no mutuality. It's not the victim's fault but if other people don't know proper information the victim can experience having family and church members wonder what they did wrong.

Won't being a Christian & praying enough save me from this? I'd always thought so when my specific prayers seemed to be answered after meeting my future mate. But I didn't know I needed time and specific knowledge to make sound choices. This is one of the last subjects to be addressed in many churches and schools today. I found a silence & isolation from those I should have been able to count on & heal with. Perhaps people don't know how to handle it. But there is hope that as more people understand what it is, why it happens and how to help those who go through it, others will be spared and those who live it find support and healing. Below is information to help you understand DV, recognize potential abusers, help others who are in it and give you places to go for some resources. In short, a crash course:-)

Things to be considered when dating- to avoid potential DV.

A good relationship with God independent of dating someone. Many times if two people are of different faiths or one believes and the other doesn't, the pressure of wanting to make it work can lead one to make choices they will not stay with, in order to marry. Or being so lonely one overlooks what they'd usually not accept.

Are you a very open, giving, saver of people? These qualities while wonderful at the right time will make it easier for an abuser to spot and take advantage of you so be careful. Abusers usually will not let you see who they are. They may talk about things but may avoid their inner feelings and thoughts. You're an easier target if you look to other people for your happiness instead of being an independent person. If each dating partner focuses on getting ready to be worthy of their mate and looks for the same in the other abuse is less likely to happen.

Time. Proposing a short time after meeting someone can be the way a DV person "hooks" the object of his or her desire. So the one who seems madly in love with you may instead be trying to control you or get things settled as fast as they can. No one can know someone well enough to promise a life with them after only a few weeks. It doesn't matter if you've talked for hours during this time & feel you know who they are or how mature you are. Only time can show you how a person will react to and deal with life. I've read that anyone can fake who they are for a year but their true self will start coming out the second year if they've not been honest. This is not about putting your best foot forward but about character and emotional issues. It's recommended people date seriously for a minimum of 2 years to make sure your potential mate is who they say they are. It also helps to get feedback from people who have known them for a long time.

Words vs actions. Words are easy to say and usually the DV person is good at sweeping someone off their feet, being very charming. Put more weight on what they do rather than what they say. I was taught to trust as a Christian but now would encourage people to trust God but be skeptical of people if something seems too good to be true at first. Your knight in shining armor or your lady in waiting may be a bit tarnished underneath:-) Or they may be the perfect knight or lady God has brought you. It's important to be able to recognize the difference.

Male or female? The biggest percent of DV comes from men but can also come from women. I've seen both.

Patience. I didn't notice impatience or anger in my now ex until after the ceremony on our wedding day. From that point I observed him being impatient at his job, with me especially as he got "even" for supposed wrongs, and also with animals. Things kept getting worse through the years. How did I let it continue? My belief was that the "real" him deep inside was a wonderful loving person who through life stresses got impatient sometimes. I couldn't see the continuous disconnection and disrespect of me and my feelings as others could. I now call it a selfishness of spirit that perhaps resulted from some hurt done to him in the past. It wasn't until I could look objectively at his actions & what they did to me that I could consider protecting myself. Until then I worked & worked to change things, thinking he was also but it never did any good. Being able to forgive him and remember he's also loved by God has been very freeing. Now I look to see how someone treats their family, other people and their pets. Impatience with them means I'll have it too. I distinguish between someone making a mistake they're sorry for vs habitual impatience and blame.

Equality. DV happens because the DV person feels a sense of Entitlement. In their mind things and people are supposed to act a certain way. If they don't then it's wrong which "entitles" them to treat others as they please. It's impossible to have rational discussion or argument with them because they're not willing to see another's view point. They see the world only one way but you don't know this. So one partner gives in a mutual way, thinking the other is also while the DV person has no intention of it. It's rather like comparing apples & oranges while saying they're all apples:-) All this leads to great confusion on the part of the abused. If you get one thing fixed after explaining, then something else is chosen to be a problem. Or something might be agreed to ahead of time & when brought up in front of others the abuser denies it was ever agreed to. It's called crazy making behavior & I experienced it many times. I worked & worked to make us a mutual couple while he was tearing us apart only I didn't know. One person cannot make a marriage work if the other has no interest in or cannot be an "us". Abuse is not a misunderstanding but is learned or chosen control because it's what they want to do.

Listen to your instincts. If something feels wrong figure it out and see if you should stay. Better now than later.

Cycles of DV.

Honeymoon phase. Everything seems good. The DV person is on best
behavior perhaps giving flowers, complimenting you, warm and
affectionate until you do something they don't like or something
happens at work they take out on you.

Building up/Tension phase. DV person becomes tense and patience
wears thin. Emotions start building and one becomes wary of what
happens next. It's like walking on eggshells waiting for the explosion.

Explosive phase. You don't see it coming but all of a sudden are in the
middle of it. This can be verbal, physical or both, usually with anger.
Such as things broken, towering over you, fist in face,
shouting at you, physical contact from them to you, you're told it's
your fault, threats of bodily harm, leaving for good or divorce, being
thrown out, etc. You may feel sick to your stomach or frozen like a
deer caught in the headlights. Pets may be hurt.

It then cycles back to the honeymoon phase where they're
so sorry, it will never happen again, etc. It's important to distinguish
between the subject and the category. Meaning this can
happen over any subject-food, children, schedules, company etc.
If you don't look beyond and see the larger cycle of abuse, then you
will always be trying to fix that one subject, thinking once it's fixed
things will be good. But the problem is in the cycle & feelings of
entitlement not in any specific subject. I call it seeing the forest
instead of an individual tree:-) Abuse is the continual cycling of
these three phases.

Types of DV.

Verbal abuse. Name calling, threatening, demeaning, belittling, explosive
words that tear you down, give you fear and give them release.

Isolation. Are you being cut off from family and friends? Is your money
restricted or taken so you can't leave? Psychologically are you isolated
so you don't want to be with other people? Are your children threatened
to make you stay home? IE if you leave I'll go to court & get full
custody of the children! Is your phone use restricted or does your
partner demand account of everywhere you've been, who seen, money
spent or has to go with you all the time? Others may see it as being
attentive but it's a restriction of your independence.

Anything that makes the other person an object. This would include
things like pornography that give one unrealistic expectations. How can
a real person compete against perfect airbrushed people who never ask
anything of the viewer and never have problems? This allows the DV
person to view his or her partner as a thing & act accordingly when they
need something or or are an irritation to the abuser. Drugs and alcohol
abuse can fit here. I'm adding this one in.

Battering. Anything that causes you bodily harm. Could consist of being
shoved against or into things, being hit where others won't see
such as chest or stomach and threats of more if you don't do what
he/she wants. Fractures, stitches and while at hospital acting the loving
mate making sure the story is accidental fall on stairs etc. Bruises
and illnesses are always explained away.

Threats. I will use a gun, I will kill myself if you leave me, I will shoot you.
Implied threats such as a box of bullets being placed where the only
use is to intimidate you. You are not responsible for another's choices.
You can try to help but it's their choice. Keep yourself and others safe.

Anything that threatens your or their safety should be dealt with
immediately by professionals.

Sexual abuse. Many abusers will use sex as a way to control or hurt.
It is our right to say when we will share that part of us, even when
married. God gave us sex as a beautiful way to express our love,
not as a punishment or bargaining tool.

Lethality. There is a chart that lists many actions of a DV person. If two
or more of the listed actions are happening to you then you are in lethal
danger & should take steps immediately to protect yourself and children
if involved. Some of these would be the DV person believing things that
are not true, threatening suicide to self or bodily harm to you,
being familiar with-having- & able to use a weapon, history of abuse,
stalking, extreme jealousy.


What should one do if they or people they know are in this situation?

Seek Help. Find an advocate in this field and develop a safety plan.
If you think it could become dangerous, have following things ready.
Have money, birth certificate, social security papers, health
records, especially if children are involved, at another
trusted location or somewhere easy to get to if you have to flee.
Keep purse, wallet, keys somewhere easy to get on the way out.
Make an extra set of keys and hide them in case yours are taken.
Know ahead where to go and what route you should use.
Be alert, vary routes, check rear view mirror during daily activities.
If you think you'll have to leave, try to get an inventory of things in
home with values and ID numbers to protect yourself in court later.
Try to keep a cell phone with you. Know what the crisis line number
is. Be prepared to get an order of protection if needed. Your
advocate will go to court with you or a family member for this.

Set up code words. If you or someone you know are in an abusive
situation there may come a time when that person needs help
but can't ask for it openly. Code words or house signals such
as certain lights on/off, shade-drape position can be set up ahead of
time to be used in situations. This will alert the other to call for help.
You may choose one word to mean I want to leave but things are OK
and another to say I need help right now & need to get out so call
911! Be careful using computers for abusers can set up programs to
monitor what's written. Same thing with the telephone. A cell phone
is probably safer but phone records can be checked.
I used a pay phone for help and advocate appointments. You
may choose to CAPITALIZE words to indicate level of need. Words
like I WANT or I NEED in any story-scenario can clue you in if set up
ahead of time.

Listen without blame. An abused person usually loses their sense of
value and needs to be built up not isolated. No one outside the
living residence knows what this person is living. Do not betray
confidences-it may cost someone their life! This is not a game.
If someone needs to hide for safety don't tell others where they
moved to. They need to be able to trust you.

Open your door to them if safe. Assess if it will be safe for your family
to do so. You don't want to bring danger upon those you love.
If you don't want your family exposed, be their friend in public places
such as church, social functions or phone them etc.
Their trust has been broken as they've been rejected by the one they
love. You're helping to build it back up as you make them feel wanted
& valued:-) Remember their birthday, ask them to sit with you in
church, send them cards. Find special things in them that are a gift
to you and tell them so. Give them a way to belong to something.
They're used to a way of thinking-being because of being controlled
that may keep them from reaching out to you. They don't know
who's safe.

Keep proper boundaries in place. Be able to minister to
someone but not get so drawn into their personal story you get
carried away. Don't make poor choices for yourself that will affect
your relationship or family. Be careful how much alone time there is
between male and female, especially if you're married, because the
abused will be unconsciously seeking connections and ways to hold
on when in crisis. If you're a caring person you may respond to that.
They may not be able to help it but you can:-)

Read to understand red flags. Teach them to others especially young
people about ready to start dating-when appropriate.

Be patient. It usually takes up to 6 times leaving and going back
before a woman with children is willing to make the final break.
Some reasons are fear of DV person, losing children, economic loss,
fear of unknown, thinking God doesn't want me to. It's sometimes
easier to live with what is known.

Be ready to listen a lot:-) The abused grieves the death of a dream,
a relationship, a marriage & needs time to talk and sort it out.
If you have been through a similar experience and this is difficult
for you to listen to, the kind thing is to let the abused person know
this so they don't think you don't care. They will usually understand
& find someone else. They don't understand silent walls put up.

Let the abused choose when to report unless immediate danger.
Call 911 if their life is being threatened at the time. But
you can make matters worse if you make official reports without
knowing all circumstances if there's no immediate danger. You can
give resource information, be there for the person & have a watchful
eye.

Ask if your pastor or leaders are trained in this subject.
Not all of them are trained in how to handle abuse & while they
want to help, may not understand that encouraging
the abused to speak out in front of the abuser is unsafe.
They may unknowingly counsel someone in a life threatening
situation to stay because they believe it is the will of God.
Many are taking classes now.

Do not suggest couple/marriage counseling if this is abuse.
Only professionals trained in this can know the risks and
how best to keep people safe.
Couple counseling encourages the abused to open up as they are
told it's safe but people don't realize the abused will pay when back
home. Couple counseling works on the assumption that both
parties are going to try to work things out while the abuser may
have no intention of it and will use anything they can against
the other. Many times words of the abused will be twisted and used
against them.

Take extreme care if the abuser is law enforcement. Most people
can call law enforcement for safety but you can't if your abuser is
an officer. Don't trust that all officers are there to protect you
as they may stand with their fellow officer. Many do "get it" and are
safe for you to depend on but you need to know the difference.
In this case rely more on trained advocates in this field. They will
know the laws, what is safest to do and who can be trusted.
They will set up contact with officers you can call if needed.
Report to them any officer who tells your abuser on you or will
not work with you in a professional manner. The same with lawyers.
Because advocates will be working with many abused people and
need to keep updated on who they can trust. They work very
hard at this.

Law enforcement is a unique field. Officers can have problems with
abuse and alcoholism because of the great stress they work under.
There are many wonderful officers out there who go into the
profession to help others and do their best. They've been a blessing
to me and others I've asked help for. But some go into it
for power and self worth. They're taught how to manipulate and
control people in order to save lives. This is usually a good
thing but can be very dangerous when carried into the home to use
against family. They know the laws and what won't get them into
trouble at work so may push right up to that line or over.


And most importantly pray! Pray for yourself and any other person to
be shown what God's will is for this situation. For all are
different. Abusers can change through God's help. Some may
say God has changed them but their actions don't match. It's
very difficult and means admitting they're wrong. Many times they're
not willing to do it. There is a risk even if they take anger
management classes. Look at the actions not the words. Keep
yourself safe and give time to see if the other person has really
changed. In my case it was more important for my ex to be angry
and right than it was to save the marriage.

Resources.

Books.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evens
(the how of it)
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (the why of it)
"Understanding Intimate Violence" Barbara Couden, editor
(The above book is written by SDA clinicians and has
resources for help.)
"Battered To Blessed" Brenda Walsh with Kay D. Rizzo
(Story of 3ABN's "Miss Brenda" from pain to peace)
"Keeping The Faith--Guidance For Christian Women
Facing Abuse" Marie Fortune (Available on Amazon)
Keep in mind that any non Christian books may have
some things people don't agree with. Choose the best.

Crisis Help Lines and Web Sites.

National Domestic Violence Hot Line 1-800-799-7233

Cookie's Retreat Center NW 866-625-6333 (Christian- SDA)
www.cookiesnw.org
(website has abuse & help information)

LifeSpan 847-824-4454 (24 hr crisis line if police is abuser)
www.life-span.org


How do you know if you're in an abusive situation or dating an abusive person? If you're not sure, taking a book such as "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and underlining in it everything you've experienced will help you say yes or no. My book had lines on every page. Be thankful if yours doesn't:-) If it does, reach out to a trusted friend, your Dr, an advocate in this field who can put you in touch with the resources you need. Talking with advocates will help as they are there to assist people 24 hours a day around the country. If you're not in crisis but don't know where to get help, phone a crisis line and ask if it's OK for them to give you other numbers or people to contact. They'll let you know & give other numbers if needed. Many abused people choose to stay but use resources to help their situation. This article is not recommending that everyone who wonders if they have abuse or problems leaves their relationship. Each person has to decide how serious it is, how children may be affected and what God would have them do.

This was written not to discourage but to encourage you to take time and knowledge to find the special one God has been preparing for you. Enjoy the trip along the way:-) Don't take shortcuts and find yourself in similar circumstances:-) As the above shows it's not worth it. How much nicer to be celebrating the joys and challenges of life with your lover and be able to prevent the other. Thank you for reading this. May your day be filled with joy and peace and the delight of safely finding your love:-)